Knock, Knock
by nuclearXsquid
Summary: Coming our way was Snape-Man! We smiled pleasantly - and innocently - at him. “What are you four doing down here?” he demanded quite scarily. I bit my lip. “Uhhh... looking... for...” “We want to become Death Eaters!” Sarah cried. AU, obviously.
1. Knock, Knock

This story was inspired by my friend Katie and I drawing dark marks on our arms in AP World History. It was great. And at my friends party, there was a guy who looked like Draco!! I refused to call him by his real name (which was David) and instead called him Draco. I was a team captain for Manhunt, and I chose him as one of the people for my team!

The beginning is going to be fairly fast-paced in the beginning, which is good for the reader, but also good for me, since it keeps me interested. As we begin meeting the HP characters, it'll slow down a bit.

Disclaimer: Anything... worth anything does not belong to me... it belongs to whomever created it. Yay. Not.

* * *

Katie grabbed my arm, jolting me out of my sleepy state. "Wha-wha-what?" I looked around, realizing I was still on the plane that I was on however many hours ago.

"How much longer?" I mumbled, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

"Look yourself."

I leaned over her to peer out the window and instead of the endless water that had become boring very quickly, we were now over land! Whoo!

Soon we were on the ground and getting off the plane. We picked up our luggage and joined the rest of our group while trying not to get lost in the confusing London airport.

We found our literature teacher with no problem. He was the only man in there with a long pony tail and yucky goatee. Wait.... nevermind, there's a man by a vending machine with a pony tail. Ew, he just got a disgusting brand of Doritos. What a waste of money.

Everyone in our group – there's ten or so of us – was too excited to say much while we walked the couple blocks to the train station. Our first stop was Dublin.

I began talking to Sarah, and we speculated that since there was no mass panic, Voldemort has probably only revealed himself to the wizarding world. April, also one of my friends, shook her head at us and smirked.

Some woman with ratty black hair was talking standing by a newspaper stand. I leaned over and whispered to Sarah, "look it's Bellatrix!"

She clapped her hands excitedly and we began naming people we saw to who they looked like from the Harry Potter books. Of course, soon, we got really bored.

"Hey Jones! Knock, knock," I called over to my literature teacher.

He didn't bother turning and asked, "who's there?"

"You know," Katie and I said together.

"You know who?" he asked, sighing. We had told him this joke multiple times and he had learned to just humor us and move on.

"Oh my God! Voldemort? Where?!?" the four of us screamed, then lapsed into hysterical laughter.

Some heads turned, but we were unalarmed. Katie, however, told us to be a little quieter. "Aw, don't be silly, Katie. No wizards are going to be here."

"Wizards don't exist," some random kid in our group told me. I glared hatefully at them and shouted a random hex. Alas, I had no wand, so the kid was unaffected.

"Ooh!" Sarah said, "that guy looks like Snape!"

She said it a bit too loudly, because the man turned around. The first thing I saw was a big nose. Then, recognition. "It is Snape!" April said.

Katie began to giggle and couldn't stop. "I never imagined his nose so big."

"It is quite a honker," Sarah agreed in a serious tone as if she were discussing the weather.

I began laughing so hard I snorted. "Abnormally large, as Moony would put it."

"Awww, I love Moony," Katie said. I agreed by nodding my head.

That was when I noticed the man was still standing there. I blinked. "Sorry, sir, uhhh, we were just... on crack... yes. Under the influence of life." I began prodding Katie forwards, realizing only then that we had stopped to admire Snape-Man's nose.

He narrowed his eyes at us and we smiled innocently and scooted off to fins our group. The problem was, there was no group to be found.

"They abandoned us in the streets of London with nowhere to go!" I cried quite dramatically. Maybe I should join drama if band doesn't work out for me.

"Let's follow Snape!" Katie shouted.

"That sounds like something from something," Sarah quite helpfully.

"Descriptive," I commented.

We set off in the direction he went. We caught sight of him going into a small pawn shop and followed him in after a moment of indecision. Inside, there was everything you never knew you needed. I felt drawn to so many objects, but I couldn't do anything because we were constantly ducking behind shelves.

"Oh Geez! Look!" I pointed.

"What?" Sarah asked, alarmed.

"It's a duck!"

Indeed, it was a rubber duck, much like one my teacher stole from me freshman year. I grabbed it, intent on buying it, when Snape-Man stepped into a side-room.

We followed him and saw him twist an ugly snow globe with a llama in it to the right and press down. A door swung open, like a secret opening in the bookcase. We repeated the process after a safe amount of time had passed.

In front of us lay a creepy passage, complete with spider webs and skull torch-holders.

"I'm scared!!" I clutch my new duck to myself and hold onto Sarah for support. She holds onto Katie for support, and I felt April hold onto my shoulders. We make a train! "Choo, choo" I giggle.

The torches blazed to life as we passed them on our journey down the tunnel. A funny looking man in turquoise pants appeared, but there was nowhere to hide. "Hello," he greeted us pleasantly.

"Hi!" Sarah said, waving.

"And you girls are...?" he asked.

I answered immediately, "Phyllis."

"May," April said.

Katie said, "June."

"Peasblossom Ogleby," Sarah threw in, using the name we had dubbed the fetal pig we had to dissect in freshman biology.

"What's yours?" Katie asked.

"Jim Hamilton," he said. I fought back giggles and glanced at Katie. She was laughing too, so I knew she recognized the name. It brought us back in memories to that day in statistics class... yeah, anyways... moving on.

"Well... we have to go..." I said.

"Things to do," April supplied.

"Muggles to torture," Sarah said.

"Nice meeting you!" Katie said and we set off.

We continued down the passageway for some time, passing portraits of people torturing muggles, and even one of Hitler. Wait... oh! There's one of Stalin. Geez, if I had a mustache that large, I would cry a river, then build a bridge, then jump off of it. Or just shave it... that might work too.

We continued down the passageway... will it ever end?

Then, coming our way was Snape-Man!!! We smiled pleasantly at him. "What are you four doing down here?" he demanded quite scarily.

I bit my lip. "Uhhh... looking... for..."

"We want to become Death Eaters!" Sarah cried. I mentally cringed, not so sure that's what I wanted to be. But, hey, if it keeps us from being tortured and killed, I'll go for it!

Snape nodded as smirked as though his invisible friend had just shared a joke with him in a secret language that was only spoken by Snape and his invisible friend. What would that be... Invisitongue?

"I'm thirsty, do you have Snapple?" I asked, thinking myself very witty because of my sly pun.

Snape rolled his eyes and lead us to the DLF... No, not the Dear Little Friend, though I do love the Chronicles of Narnia, but the Dark Lord... Friend? Oh, well. I guess it must be the DLV for Dark Lord Voldemort, since I'm pretty sure he isn't my friend. Yet.

Surprisingly, Voldie's location wasn't in the gross underground of London. His hideout was in a Manhattan-style flat with a wonderful view of the river. I forget what it's called. I'd say Rhyne, but I think that may be in Germany. I blame having a Duck Thief for a Geography teacher. Maybe it's Thimes... I get them so confused. Yes, Thimes, because in one of the Diamond Brothers books, the main character almost gets thrown into it with his feet stuck in a bathtub filled with concrete!

We got into line behind other Death-Muncher-Hopefuls. I gasped as I recognized on standing next to Sarah. "Cedric?" April asked.

The man humphed. "As if. I am way more powerful than that pathetic weakling. See me sparkle!" He shouted, despite the lack of sun.

Katie laughed. "Edward?"

"But of course! And I will become the Dark Lord's most prestigious and distinguished and preeminent follower!"

"Uhh... all three of those annoyingly big words you used mean the same thing..." April commented.

He glared and looked as though he was going to Avada Kedavera April or just punch her in the face when his name was called to be inducted.

"Edward Cullen."

He kneeled in front of Moudly-Pants and took his vows. Soon, it was time for the Dark Mark to be tattooed upon his arm. He began yelling and screaming and flailing his left arm around in the air as if he would shake it off. Then, he collapsed on the floor, shaking. We thought it was the end and two Corpse Eaters came to pick him up when he spontaneously combusted. I couldn't help but laugh. What a wimp. Cedric had him beat even if Cedric had pneumonia, jaundice, AIDs, syphilis, bronchitis, an allergy infection, and a mosquito bite all at the same time.

Although with the mosquito bite added in, Cedric was weakened a tiny bit.

"Peasblossom Ogleby," was called out and I had to force back laughter at the incredulous tone that the Death Potato had taken.

Shakily, Sarah went up and repeated the process. When it came time for the Dark Mark, she began giggling. She was giggling still when a Potato Eater had come to take her into a side chamber.

I raised an eyebrow and my worry for my friend vanished. Next, it was Katie's turn. She didn't make a sound through the whole ordeal, and April only let out a single chuckle when the Dark Mark was almost completed.

Then it was my turn. I walked up nervously. His presence was... chilly. I kneeled and repeated my vows to be a good Death Eather and kill all the muggles I could and hero-worship Voldie and follow him blindly... just not so obviously stated.

I didn't really know if I wanted this. Sure, we could always find our tour group again, but this was the kind of adventure Sarah and I had been dreaming about when we first signed up for the trip.

The Dark Mark didn't even hurt. It more of itched, and I could see how it would giggle. After being escorted through the side-chamber, I rejoined my friends.

"I wonder how Edward managed to combust from the 'pain,' when it barely hurt..." April mused.

"It's because I didn't want a blithering idiot such as himself in my group of followers." I wondered why we were there then. I mean, I may not be quite the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am pretty intelligent. Except I don't choose to use it.

Wait.

It just dawned on me that the voice that had answered April's muse. I noted the gaping looks on my friends faces and spun around.

Voldemort was standing there.

Then, the world combusted and everyone, including Voldemort died.

Except for Colin Creevy, who declared, "the moral of the story is to not be a complete idiot when faced with a singing toothbrush wearing a banana hat. Instead, walk the other way and immediately call the president of Guam let him be the singing tomato instead."

Then he promptly combusted as well.

* * *

No, this is not the end, no worries!

The last few lines were a result of my randomness... The next chapter should be up by next week at the lastest!

Reviews make the world be free of global warming! Okay... maybe not... but, still....


	2. Who's There?

Hooray for chapter two!! I think...

Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to Katie (RemusLupinAddict)... because since she updated her story, I'm being forced to update mine.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the radish earrings I wore to school today that I made for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Also, most of the things that The Chosen Sarah says comes from Mugglenet.

* * *

"Okay, my _loyal _Death Eaters," Voldemort began. Everyone in the room fell silent and pulled out blank notebooks that looked suspiciously like Death Notes. Oh well, if Voldie wanted to mix fandoms, at least he did it with finesse (you know... sticking with the name thing and all).

I bit my lip and debated. I decided to pull out my notebook (it was still in my backpack, which I was conveniently wearing since we got off the plane). The spine of the book had cracked and peeled off, so it was fixed with electric blue duct tape.

I pulled out my favorite pen and scrawled down what Voldemort was dictating. My notes were garbled and read:

Kill:

HP (duh!)

Moody (because his eye is WAY too creepy)

Dursleys (they're dumb)

Tonks (Voldie's jealous of her bubblegum hair)

Bernard (from Brave New World)

Vampire Sith Lord Darth Tryphineus

the Minister's potted plant (named Bernard)

Dumbledore

Frodo Baggins (and get his ring before it's dropped in the fired of Mt. Doom)

Cho Chang (because... Well... I'm lost. Maybe her relationship to Harry? If that, why not Ginny, too, then?)

The Weasleys (Oh...)

The list kept going and I stopped writing because my hand began cramping. The DLV noticed my lack of note-taking (it's worse than my lit. teacher who speaks a universe a minute), and decided to investigate.

I smiled innocently up at him and he asked me, "why aren't you using the standard Death Eater notebook? I had them specifically ordered from Japan. Such insolence!" He glared at me and I really didn't feel like getting hexed for not using his special mail-order notebooks.

I gulped. "Uhhh... I didn't have one, so I thought I'd be efficient and follow along in mine." In my head I begged the God(s) of every single religion in existence, including Gagnonism (pronounced gon-yo-ism).

Voldemort must have been using occulmency, since he reached out his hand. I placed my dear notebook in his slimy and and prayed to the same Gods as before that I wouldn't be killed.

His frown deepened as he read my notes and flipped through and saw the pictures. He muttered something about aging eyes and flicked his wand. I cringed, but the spell hit the window shades instead, flipping them open.

Outside, it was a rare sunny day, and a breathtaking view of the city. He returned to the pictures, and he must have seen the one of him that looked quite similar to Salad Fingers, because he looked up furiously.

He raised his wand, but then a girl came running in. "Jessica?" I said.

She smiled. "Sorry I'm late. My plane for my own trip to Europe was late." She noticed Voldemort. "Ew, purple? Green is SO much better!"

Furious, Voldie Avada Kedavera-ed her. Hm... everything about that last sentence was underlined in red from my spell check except for 'her.'

I felt like crying at the death of my friend. Alas, her downfall was not enjoying the tranquil loveliness of such a royal color such as purple.

I couldn't grieve long though, because then DLV turned his wand on me. "I love your robe!" I squealed.

He seemed to consider if I was telling the truth or not, probably employing occulmency in the process (it seems to be a nasty habit of his. Some things in my head are private!).

He lowered his wand, but then hexed some other Death Eater. "Does anyone else have a problem with my robe?!?" I roared. The Death Eaters shook their heads really fast so they wouldn't be hexed.

"I do, you Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live!!!" A girl shouted. I raised an eyebrow. It was my friend Sarah! No, not the Death Eater one, a different one. To keep things straight, let's call her... the Chosen One.

Voldie, however, raised his wand.

"Awww, look! Ickle Voldie-poo has got a twiggle!" she said, "in accordance with the prophecy."

"You will die," Voldie growled.

She smiled and sung back, "Yooooooououou Wiiiililll Diiiiiieieeieeeeeeee!!"

Voldemort raised his wand, ready to perform the curse.

"Wait!" Katie shouted. "You can't kill her!"

"And WHY NOT?" Voldie asked.

"She's the Chosen One!"

"WHAT?"

"She's supposed to bring balance to the force." April said in a voice that was very close to that of an adult talking to a two year old that had just eaten a rock.

"Don't Worry," The Chosen Sarah said. "He's just a big bald softie."

"Let us be happy and sing Kumbayah!" Sarah shouted at the top of her lungs. A Death Eater procured a banjo and everybody held hands except for Voldemort.

I glanced worriedly at him. "Don't worry," Katie said. "He's just chronically depressed. With a bit of schizophrenia thrown in."

I nodded and began to sing.

When we finished, April said, "Snape." I glanced at her, then tried to figure out where she saw him. "Snape." I looked around again. "Severus Snape."

"Dumbledore!" Sarah said. Voldemort looked confused as ever, trying to figure out where Bumble-dore was.

"Snape."

"Ron!" I called, after winning a silent staring batting with Katie for the position of Ron.

"Snape."

"Ron!"

"Severus,"

"Ron Weasley"

"Snape."

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape."

"Ron."

"Snape."

"Ron."

"Severus-"

"Ron Weasley!"

"Snape-"

"Dumbledore!"

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione," Katie came it at the right moments.

"Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Ugh!" The Chosen Sarah flailed her arms around.

We all began singing together, "singing our song, all day long at Hooooooooog-waaaaarts!"

"Your turn, Voldie!" I cried.

Having caught onto the mood, Voldemort began tapping his wand, "Voldemort, Voldemort. Ooh, Voldie, Voldie, Voldie, Voldemort!"

We cheered for Voldemort. Then reality came crashing down and the four of us made our escape after the Chosen Sarah had done the same with an "Au revoir, Monsieur Voldie-poo!" Even though she's taking Spanish, not French.

We followed a witch to get into Diagon Alley, then went to Gringotts to convert our muggle money to wizard money. We figured that while we were here, we might as well have wands and other things to protect ourselves.

We traveled over to Ollivander's (after managing to get lost in the process) and looked at the selections of wands.

My wand ended up being twelve inches with a Dugong heart string (they are truly the coolest animals ever. It was made from Maple wood and I loved it.

Katie's final selection was eleven and a half inches and made of Magnolia. It's core was a unicorn hair.

Sarah's was made from Cherry wood and was twelve inches long. It's core was a huffelump's tail hair.

April's core was a Artic Loon's tail feather and was made of Ash wood. It was approximately twelve inches.

We found a secluded spot and opened our new books. "Ooh! Look!" Sarah said. "There's a spell that will tell you which animal, if any, that you can talk to!"

I cast the spell myself, and a big Angler Fish floated in front of me. "Hello!" I said in Angleratongue. Sarah poked the fish with her wand and it disappeared.

Sarah cast the spell next and was rewarded with an ostrich floating in front of her. She began cawing, which I assumed was... ostrichatongue?

April found out hers is a armadillo, and began speaking Armildillian to it, while Katie discovered hers was a super cute Monito Del Monte, or a little mountain monkey.

We were happy and practiced other spells for a while, and squealed when something worked. It was beyond amazing to be able to sit her in who-knows-where London and do _magic_.

Patronus charms were next. I thought of the happiest memory possible... Uh... Hm... Well, as I was thinking, Sarah went.

"Awww! It's a Pygmy Puff!" I cooed. Sarah flicked her wand towards me and the Pygmy Puff began attacking my face with its smokiness.

I got it! I thought of finally being able to go to Europe and plotting with Katie over what Harry Potter characters we would meet. "Expecto Patromun!" I called out.

Nothing happened.

"It's Expecto PatroNUM, Idiot," Sarah said.

"Don't call people names, Dummy," I joked. I repeated the incantation right, and my Patronus was..........................

A Venus Fly Trap?

I shrugged and grinned at it, making the mouthy-leaves open and close around my finger.

Katie and April were having trouble getting their Patronus out, but soon we were graced with an avalanche from April and a park bench from Katie.

I giggled and made my Venus Fly Trap eat the park bench. Soon, I couldn't hold onto mine anymore and I allowed it to dissolve into the air. Everyone else's soon went as well.

It wasn't too soon either, because out Dark Marks began burning and we gathered out stuff to apperate to Voldy's headquarters.

"Wait!" I called. I pulled out my pen and gave the snake on my Dark Mark a smile. Yay. Now it didn't look so evil.

We arrived and took places among the Death Eater ranks. We bowed and stuff, and Voldemort began a speech. It was eerily like Hitler's speeches.

In fact, the whole 'Death Eater' thing was kind of like Hitler's Youth, and the whole 'kill muggles' thing was kind of like those persecuted under Hitler's reign, and the half-bloods and muggle-borns were kind of like everyone else who wasn't blond-haired and blue-eyed.

CREEPY.

Now that I know I'm part of Nazi Germany, I second guess the decision to become a Death Eater. More like quadruple guess. Not that I really had a choice. Though I didn't really resist, either. It was more like I was willingly forced into eternal servitude for the Dark Lord. Well, everyone was until they died.

"And now my Death Eaters, we will be going on a raid at the home of the Weasley's pathetic excuse for a home." I was excited. Maybe I would see Harry. "Take captives if you can, we want to be able to barter for some of the other POWs."

My eyebrow twitched at his use of slang for prisoner of war, but I said nothing. It was time to present our gifts to Voldemort. I frowned. This wasn't in the story. I dug around my backpack for something to give him and found the perfect thing.

Grinning, I made my way into the line. When I reached Voldie, I bowed and presented him with the cutest little pink duck in the world. It was very fluffy. My friend actually gave it to me for my birthday, but it was a worthwhile sacrifice. I always had the blue, yellow, and green ones to keep me company.

His eyebrow visibly twitched, but he accepted it with grace and poise. At least, as much poise as someone who is missing a nose can have.

Katie presented him with a lollipop and April gave him an apple. Sarah, not knowing what else to give him, gave him her left foot sock. His brow twitched some more.

Soon enough, it was time for the raid.

* * *

Woah... this is a really long chapter. I guess it will make up for the long-ish wait.

RemusLupinAddict: Woot! I finally got the chapter out, and now it's YOUR turn to update! Mwuahahahahahaha! Uhhh... anyways... see you at school tomorrow! I hope you liked the chapter!

Verinova: Hehe, I'm glad you liked it so much! If you tell me of your theory of why penguins are black and white, I'll randomly drop you into a meeting so you can tell it to the Death Eaters! Woot!

Lillian C Potter: I'm lad you liked it!

Reviews make the world go round!

Before this sentence (but including the authors notes), the word count was this year! Go 2009!


	3. You Know

Hello again! Sorry it took me so long to update, but I have a job now, so I HAVE EXCUSES! Whoo! Aaaaaaaaand... I got a Harry Potter wand at the Renaissance Fair today! Well, technically it's Dumbledore's, and the tip lights up!

The lovely Verinova is making an appearance in this chapter! It's so exciting! If you leave me a review with something incredibly random or silly, then you could make an appearance, too!

Disclaimer: Anything cool and money-making is not owned by me, unfortunately. And I mean anything. I went Coo-coo with Co-Co Puffs. I mean Crazy with crossovers.

* * *

Katie, Sarah, April, and I found ourselves corralling with the other Death Munchers. I was nervous because I really didn't want to destroy the Burrow or anything. Although, there was always a chance of getting to see some of my favorite characters – erm, people. Especially Lupin. Or Sirius (who never died! I refuse to accept either of their deaths)!

Anyways, masks were being handed out. I would have loved one like the Phantom wore, but no such luck. Robes were being distributed as well. I hope they got summer robes, those look awfully hot.

A nasty-looking character handed me both a mask and robes. The robes were smelly and stained with a suspicious, unknown entity. Wrinkling my nose, I stuffed the robes behind a conveniently placed potted plant, instead choosing to wear my muggle clothes. Which consisted of my Gryffindor shirt. What Irony.

The mask, however, smelled okay and didn't _look_ dirty. Never-the-less, I sprayed it with my mini Lysol can that I carry around in my backpack.

Sarah also borrowed my magical cleaner for her mask, and Katie took a page out of my book and ditched her robes as well. April got lucky and seemed to have no problem with hers.

It came time to depart. I wasn't too excited at the prospect of splicing myself. The room was quickly emptying, so I grabbed a random masked person right before they disappeared.

I squeezed my eyes shut and vomited from the sensation upon arriving. Right over the Death Eater's shoes. Some irrational part of my mind began laughing hysterically from the look upon the man's face before he merged with the crowd.

April, Sarah, Katie, and I met up with each other and the Raid began.

So, I would have thought there would, you know, be planning or something. But no. It was complete chaos. I saw a pile of laundry and Harry's famous snitch-and-broomstick socks. I glanced around to make sure no body was looking, and then I stuffed the socks into my backpack.

The attacks began and all I remember is feeling self-preservation and finding an empty kitchen cabinet to hide in. I didn't want this. Sure being a Death Eater was amusing, but killing? No thanks. I'll leave it to sadists.

The yelling got louder and my hiding place blasted apart, taking me with it.

The whole world went black.

* * *

(P.O.V. Switch to Katie)

After the chaos began, I lost sight of Sarah and April. I began following Hailey, but a couple of shoves later, Hailey was gone as well.

I walked into the kitchen in the infamous clock caught my eye. I snickered, for all the faces were in 'mortal peril.' I tapped my wand against the calligraphy and changed it to say 'in a field with sunshine and bunnies.' Which does not exist in AP World History, in case you were wondering.

I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know many offensive spells. Only what I know from the books. And I didn't particularly want to use them when Order members began popping up.

A bird fluttered by and I realized it was Pig. I can not even pronounce his full name, but I held up my arm and he climbed on. He will be my buddy!

I saw Remus (internal squee!) off in the distance and began going toward him. He raised his wand, thinking I was going to attack him. Though he looked confused, and I realized it was from my muggle clothes.

"Wait!" I called and raised my hands. Too late, I realized that it looked like I was brandishing my wand at him like I was going to fight him.

I didn't even feel the stunner hit me, but I sure felt the ground do the same. Something crashed against my forehead... a shoe maybe? And I blacked out.

* * *

(POV switch to April)

Immediately, I knew we needed to get out of there. Even if we were labeled as deserters, it wasn't worth it. Screaming for Hailey, Katie, and Sarah to follow me, I ran for the woods, not looking back until I had made it into the safety of the trees

I turned around and realized that they weren't there. My call must have been lost in the other screaming. Panicked, I watched for them.

* * *

(POV switch to Sarah)

I heard April say something, but the gap where I could run away closed. I fired off the couple of spells I could remember. But there weren't any muggles to torture. Hehe.

I caught a figure running off into the trees, then another following it. Worried, I followed after them and was confronted with Snape holding April at gunpoint. I don't think he noticed me.

"Well, well," he spoke to April. "I knew you and the other three weren't true followers of the Dark Lord. The minute I looked at you, I knew you had no guts for fighting."

April didn't say anything. I don't think she noticed me either. Her eyes were trained on the wand pointing at her heart.

I stepped a little closer, but unfortunately (and quite clichéd) I stepped on a twig that made a cracking sound. It was quiet, but it was enough to alert both of them to my presence.

He trained his wand on me as well.

"When I turn you over to the Dark Lord, he is going to get much satisfaction out of torturing your mind and driving you to insanity."

I gulped.

* * *

(POV switch back to.... ME!)

I woke up in a basement... A very cold, damp, basement... with eight other people... and a couple of penguins. And Pig sitting on Katie's shoulder. I frowned, but didn't say anything.

I stared at all of them, counting up a tally in my head. Me, Katie, Draco-Man from school (Wait! It is the real Draco!), Count Olaf (wait... what?!), Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire. Okay, now I'm really confused.

"Well," I said cheerfully. "At least it could be worse. We could be in the belly of a dragon. Or Aragog. Ewww."

Katie nodded. "I wonder if we're underneath number twelve Grimmauld Place..."

"No! I bet we're at St. Vladimir's Academy and we've been captured because we are Lissa and Rose. I want to be Rose. Pleeeease?"

Katie pouted. "Fine. But wait! Dimitri should show up any time now and rescue us!"

I nodded. "Our captors are probably Strigoi!"

Katie gasped. "Okay, since you're Rose, you better get us out of here."

I sighed. "Hmm... do you have any ideas, Violet? From what I've read, you guys are very good at escaping."

Before Violet could speak, Count Olaf interrupted. Is he even a Count? You would think if he was, he'd have lots of money and not need to constantly try to con the Baudelaire children out of theirs. "Yes! It's my newest plot to become rich! I, who have masterfully paraded myself as Lemony Snicket, and published the books about the children's lives!"

I blinked. "How's that been working out for you?"

He sighed. "Since I used a Pseudonym, and I don't have a permanent address, my editors or whoever they are can't contact me to give me my paycheck. So the children went to their new guardian, Snape."

I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of Snape taking care of children.

I sighed, about to retort, but I was rudely interrupted by talking penguins.

"Sorry to burst your self-pity bubble, but you're not the only one that's had emotional pain in your life," one of the penguins said to Count Olaf.

He looked at them strangely, "and what could possibly be going wrong for you?"

"Our color."

I scrutinized the penguins to try and notice something wrong with their color. "You're just black and white, like normal."

"And that's the problem!" Another penguin cried. "We're so _defined_. All other animals come in a variety of different shades, but penguins are so boring."

"It wasn't always that way," a new voice broke in. A girl was sitting on the other side of the cell.

"When did she get here?" Katie asked. "Did anyone see her come in?"

I shook my head.

"My name is Verinova. You see, there used to be magical penguins of all colors. But when it came time for Noah to put all the animals on board the arc, he couldn't take two yellow, green, purple, etc.! So he took one black and one white for all the colors in between! Then they..." she coughed, "...and viola! Black and White penguins. But sadly, without all the colors together, the magic was lost... They say only one person has a chance of bringing it back... And that person is probably crazier than even me." She finished with a knowing nod.

"Oh... I would have guessed inbreeding," I said.

She shrugged and said, "depends what you believe."

"Sounds like a bunch of Bantha Turds to me," Draco said sardonically. I raised my eyebrow. Did he just use a swear from Star Wars?

I glanced over at Verinova to see her reaction, but she was gone. Katie must have noticed the same thing, "did you see her leave?! Did anyone?"

We all shrugged.

I looked over at Draco. "So... whose side are you on?"

He rolled his eyes dramatically. "Whose do you think?"

I mimicked him. "Well... let's see... what year are you in now?"

"Sixth,"

"Beginning, middle, or end?"

"Beginning. Why do you care?"

"Oh, I dunno," I sang. Katie and I shared a knowing glance. We both had our conspiracy theories about where Draco's allegiances lied. Mostly they involve Draco turning spy for the Order. We have to keep our ickle favorites on the good side.

We hear footsteps outside the cell and everyone stiffens. We had all been avoiding the obvious reason why we were hear: we were Death Eaters.

Keys jingle, and a figure walks into the room. "Remus!" Katie squeals and jumps up to tackleglomp Lupin. I joined her by giving him a big hug. "We love you!" Katie cried.

The rest of the cell occupants looked at us like we had three heads each and shared a forth. Maybe we did, but I tend to think we are the only sane ones. Don't argue.

"What's going on?" Draco drawled. I glared at him for ruining the moment.

"Questioning is about to begin," Lupin said. I blinked. Right. The whole being a Death Eater thing. I keep forgetting.

* * *

Oh, I just wanted to say, in case anybody is interested, I'm looking for a **Beta** for this story, and possibly my other stories! Of course, I'd need a sample of your writing (if you have stories posted, they will be fine). If you're interested, contact me!

Review Replies:

Verinova: Ooh! That's sounds like me last year in geography class! I got a rubber ducky taken away, and Gagnon STILL has it! He mocks me with it. He wrote my duck misses me in my faux yearbook! Anyways, I hop you liked your part!

Katie: I hope you liked the chapter! Hopefully it will cure you of your boredom! AND I need ideas... other than the ones we already have... for the next chapter!

April: Oh yay! Hiiiii! I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever! It makes me sad. But yes, Voldie does rock, but listen to Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock! Go to harry and the potters . com (without the spaces) and click on the guitar on the squid, marked music. It's AMAZING.

Lillian C. Potter: I'm glad you like it! Hopefully this chapter was even more random for you!


	4. You Know Who?

Ahhh! I can't apologize enough for the time it's taken me to update. I'm really sorry! Recently it was Hermione's birthday, so I thought I'd write a chapter for it and not to mention my friend amazingtofu has been bugging me about it for... a while. Though now our Spanish teacher split us up, I NEVER get to talk to her D:

School is slowly sucking away my life like a deranged leech. Though thank goodness it's fall break!

I'm kind of ashamed to admit that the only reason why I joined the Dark Blue online game was because Dylan McDermott (who plays Carter) is so gorgeous and looked directly at the camera asking me to join. That's never happened to me before, I feel kind of like it's a bit unhealthy.

Disclaimer: I'm not a nerd, I'm just more academically evolved. However, I am not evolved enough to have even come up with the ingenious idea of Harry Potter.

* * *

Molly Weasley: ¿Te gusta escuela hoy?

Ginny: Fue bueno paro no me gusta Pansy.

Molly: ¿Por que?

Ginny: Tomó mi novio.

Molly: ¿Ese Draco niño?

Ginny: Sí, Mamá, jugueteó con él mucho, ¡y ella es feo!

Molly: Necesitas hablar con Draco.

Ginny: Él no dejó ella.

Molly: El es arrogante, está bien.

Ginny: Está bien, ¡ellos son muertos!

(A Spanish project with amazingtofu. Go look up her stories! And ask if you want the translation!)

* * *

"What's going on?" Draco drawled. I glared at him for ruining the moment.

"Questioning is about to begin," Lupin said. I blinked. Right. The whole being a Death Eater thing. I keep forgetting.

"So..." Katie said. I couldn't agree more.

"Who's next?" I chirped. For I am HAILEY: RAY OF SUNSHINE. Yes. Even in the face of capture and possible torture. If the light side would even condone such activity.

"Thanks for volunteering!" A new voice said. Sirius had walked into the room. Katie squealed happily. Eh... I was a little more in tune with Snape's misanthropic side than Sirius' lets-torture-Snapey attitude. The man in question, however, just glared spitefully.

Sirius started pulling her out the door, but I latched onto Katie's arm. "Nooooooo, you can't take her away without me!" Katie cried. "She's my unisoul!" I nodded frantically.

I grinned at our superior knowledge proven by the blank looks we received. I used my most-patient award-winning customer-service voice (with lots of practice from my job at the movie theater) and explained, "you know, ONE soul split between TWO bodies. It's quite simple, really. It also explains why we're almost identical in likes and dislikes."

I only received blinks in returns. "Whatever," Sirius snapped, "hurry up."

We followed Sirius and Remus into what I assumed to be the kitchen, furthering my theory that we were in Grimmauld Place. Yes! I was right.

There were two chairs sitting in the otherwise empty room and I headed for the comfy one. Great minds think alike apparently, because Katie beat me to it.

I pouted and took the wooden one. Remus turned to us, "why did you become Death Eaters?"

Well, that was a weird question. We shrugged. "We don't actually want to be Death Munchers, you know," Katie said.

I nodded, "we were just kind of in the wrong place at the right time."

"Besides, we like too many people from the light side, anyways!"

Lupin just raised an eyebrow, wheres Sirius rolled his eyes.

"In other words," I said. "We really don't have any allegiance to the Dark Mold, we could become spies!"

Lupin glanced at Sirius and shrugged. "You could start off your career as spies by telling us of Voldemort's plans."

Katie and I glanced at each other. Too bad Voldy doesn't go burting out his schemes more often. "We could tell you his hit list," Katie said.

Lupin nodded.

"First," I said, "is Erodelbmud Nairb Cirfluw Lavicrep Subla!"

"WHAT?" Sirius exploded.

I shrugged, "the names are in code."

"I know!" Lupin cried, "it's some weird nickname for Harry!"

"Noooo, Silly," Katie said. "Guess again!"

They both sighed. "Hmm, who do we know with a name that long?"

The door opened and Dumbledore walked in. Katie and I grinned up at him. "Oh..." Sirius said. "Is it Dumbledore?"

We beamed, "yay! You get a point!" Katie said.

"Make it to ten and you get candy!" I shouted.

"Lemon Drop?" Dumblydore offered.

"We haven't gotten to ten yet, Silly!"

Again with the sighing. These gentlemen need to learn how to keep air in their lungs, sheesh!

The door opened once more and Harry walked in. I waved – more like flailed my arms – and Katie saluted. Kreatcher walked in after Harry looking very hard like he was not following a half blood... well... more like three quarters blood, really. Silly wizards don't know proper math. Wait... why again did I think it was three quarters? I think the Lemon Drops have gone to my head. Maybe it's the cocaine from the peppermints in the factory that Hydrogen Bond shut down in a spy mission! (1)

Katie gasped and pointed at the house elf. "You killed him!" She then pointed at Sirius.

"And you almost killed Harry!" I cried, then changed my tone to a sort of Luna-Lovegood-dreamy-voice. "Once upon a magical fanfic called The Basement... At least, I think that's what it's called."

WHY DO THEY KEEP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M INSANE?!?!

Please don't answer that question, Mother.

"Though, I did like the fic where Draco and Harry become bonded and end up loving each other," Katie said.

"Oh, you mean that one you were talking about in that class on that day?" I asked.

"No, it was that other day."

"Ah, I remember now. It seemed to go on and on, though."

We shrugged and turned back to our captors.

"I think I'm going crazy," Lupin sighed, rubbing his temples.

"We wanna go with you!" I cried. Katie nodded enthusiastically.

"Okaaaaay..." Sirius' eyes kept darting between us as if we were about to Go Ghost and attack everyone. He probably thought we were already in the magical land of Insanity. It's really a lovely place. You should visit sometime. "Who's next?" Sirius asked.

"Ooh! I love that album, by The Who!" I interrupted yet again.

"The Chosen One is next!" Katie squealed.

"Anakin Skywalker?" Harry choked on the muffin he was eating.

"Nooo, don't be silly," I said.

"Uhhh, Harry," Sirius said.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Nothing, that was my answer!"

"Oh."

I waited quite patiently (if I do say so myself) before shaking my head. "Wrong answer."

They shrugged helplessly.

"We'll give you this one," I said. "It's Sarah. The one in Europe for a soccer tournament, not the one who joined the Death Munchers with us."

They demanded and explanation, but we had none for them other than insisting that she's The Chosen Sarah.

"Next on our list is... Rubber Duck Man."

"Harry."

"No."

"Hermione."

"No."

"Ron."

"No."

"Me."

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Remus."

"No."

This continued for a LONG time, so finally Remus just asked, "why is this person on Voldemort's Hit List?"

I grinned. "He's Harry's number one fan."

"Colin Creevy," Harry guessed.

"HOORAY!"

Sirius smacked his head against the wall in frustration.

"Next is the Annoying One."

"Harry," Sirius guessed.

"Hey! I'm not annoying!" Harry shouted quite annoyingly.

"Nope," I said.

Once again, the stupid guesses began and I was ready to kill myself. "Let's play a game. This is how Voldemort feels: He shouldn't have crazy followers because they're not reliable."

"Bellatrix Lestrange," Harry said.

"BINGO!" Katie exclaimed.

"Really?" I asked. "Did someone call out C12?"

Katie shook her head. I sighed and looked at my Bingo Card. "Darn."

Remus stared at us for a moment, probably trying to decide why the heck Voldemort would even be able to put up with us enough to make us Death Munchers. I ask the same question myself, but my only answer is that Voldewart is just as insane as we are, if not more. Which is quite difficult to achieve.

"I have a question." Remus said.

"I have an answer." I said. "I hope."

"Why isn't Harry on Voldemort's Hit List? I mean, not that I want to see Harry on it. But it's the logical choice that should come second on the list, if not first."

"Good point," Katie said. "Hailey knows the truth, though."

I nodded solemnly, "the reason is because Big V is secretly in love with Harry. He can't stand to see him hurt so he's putting together an elaborate plot to kidnap Harry and make him his own through much unspeakable grossness."

I got the five-headed look again.

Harry looked like he was in physical pain to go along with the obvious mental pain. "Are you serious?"

"No, Silly. That's Sirius," I said and pointed.

"Let's rephrase this: are you insane?!"

"Maybe that's not the best question to ask when searching for the truth. Try again."

"Okay... Are you lying?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Everybody visibly sagged in relief. Except Dumbledore. I think he had a heart attack or something. Maybe someone should try to get him off of the floor. No matter, "Though that would be really sweet if it were true! Kind of Beauty-and-the-Beast-esque, don't you think?"

Katie nodded.

"Anyways, we really do want to become spies. It would be AWESOME."

Dumbledore shrugged, obviously over his heart attack, "as long as you can prove yourselves against the Severus Snape Spy Survey ©, then by all means, do so."

"Yes!" We shouted, then gave each other high fives.

This will be fun!

* * *

(1) The Adventures of Hydrogen Bond by The Feral Candy Cane. It's an Alex Rider fic, GO READ IT!

And that's all, folks! Once again, I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter out!

Tierney Jean: Haha, thanks a bunch! I feel the same way about Draco! And too many abused-childhood fics get to me! -tear-. I'm super glad you liked it! I hope I didn't take TOO long getting it out! -shifty eyes-

Lillian C Potter: Thanks a bunch! Yep, I just hate it that Sirius dies... and even more so that Snape and Lupin die! -sobs-

Please review!


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